A Year Ago...

A year ago, my life changed once again. I said goodbye to another baby before even holding him or her. Since then, I have questioned why this happened to me twice. Why did I have to lose two children? Why can I not seem to forget or at least be able to push it aside? And, over this past year, I’ve learned the answer to those questions and so much more.

Why did I have to lose two children? While pondering this question, I felt quite alone in my feelings. What I failed to realize is that many women were struggling with this question just as I was. I really wasn’t alone. The more I read and the more I began to seek out those who had miscarried, I began to realize that it wasn’t just me. I’m not the only one who has lost a child to miscarriage, and I began to take comfort in knowing that I wasn’t singled out. God didn’t look at me and decide that I was the only one that would ever go through this nightmare. I believe that God allowed this to happen in my life so that I would be able to meet women who have been there or are going through a miscarriage. I have learned much about miscarriage over the past two years and, now, try to help those who are going through this. I don’t believe God caused it, but I do believe He allowed it into my life so that I could better understand what many women go through.

Why can I not seem to forget or at least be able to push it aside? This one simple reason answers that question: I lost a child. I didn’t lose a glob of cells that formed in a random fashion. I lost a beautiful, developing child. As soon as I had a positive pregnancy test, I loved both of those children as much as I love Peter, Titus, and now Tabitha who will be here in September. And, even though Tabitha is on the way, I don’t love them any less. Tabitha will never take their places in my heart; she has her own special place in my heart.

I’ve been asked how I remember the dates of the losses. I can’t really tell you how; I just do. Those who’ve lost a spouse never forget the date. Those who’ve lost a parent never forget the date. Those who’ve lost children outside the womb never forget the date. Those who’ve lost close friends never forget the date. Do they try to remember the date? No, it’s something that stays with them. My grandpa has been gone for almost twenty-nine years, and my dad doesn’t have to think before giving you the date of his passing (I was only two; so I can’t remember). On July 6, 2011, and May 5, 2012, I lost children.

I’ve also been asked, “Shouldn’t it be easier now that you’re pregnant with Tabitha?” Why? Like I stated earlier, she has her own place in my heart. All five of my children have a place in my heart, and I love each of them.

The words of King David still bring me comfort as I remember my children that are in Heaven. In II Samuel 12:23b, he’s speaking of his baby son that just passed and states, “I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." I will see them one day. One day, I will hug them. But until then, God gives me comfort in knowing that they’re with him. As I stated in an earlier post (http://twinchaosandfun.blogspot.com/2011/07/goodness-of-lord.html), they’re experiencing something that I can read about; and they never had to experience the heartaches of this world.

I Need Go Doctor

Yes, I know my title isn't grammatically correct. However, that's what Peter has been telling me since Tuesday afternoon. He woke up from his nap on Tuesday with a snotty nose, and I asked him if he was sick. He looked at me, cocked his head, and said, "Yes, I need go doctor." Now, every time I give him his cold medicine or check his temperature, he tells me that he needs to go to the doctor. Last night, Karissa stayed at the house with him during church, and he kept telling her that he needed to go to the doctor. This morning, I asked him if he was feeling better, and he told me that he needed to go to the doctor. Hopefully, he'll understand soon that a cold does not warrant a doctor's visit.

Somehow, Peter is sick, but Titus is not. I'm not sure how that happened, but Titus is very upset that he's not sick too. He wants to take cold medicine, have his nose suctioned, and have his temperature checked too. He keeps saying, "My turn, Mama, my turn." Whose kid wants cold medicine? My kid...that's who. :)

So, I have a hypochondriac son who needs to go to the doctor for a cold and a cold medicine addict son. Oh, the joys of motherhood!!

Where Have My Babies Gone?

As I checked on the boys before I went to bed, I looked in their cribs and couldn't find my babies. I have no idea where they have gone. In their beds, I saw two boys trying to take the place of my babies. It just hit me that I no longer have babies. Their once chubby faces and short legs have now thinned out and are long. Instead of cute Mommy and Daddy t-shirts, they want to wear Cars and Jake t-shirts. Instead of wanting me to do everything, they want to try it all by themselves. Instead of playing with Mommy, they'd rather run with the big kids. When did these boys take the place of my babies? Where are my babies? I don't think I'm ready for them to grow up so fast.

This is from August. They look even less like toddlers now.

Miscellaneous Ramblings

A friend of mine took pictures of the boys. She actually managed to get a few good shots of them. Sitting or standing still is just not their forte:)

Poor Peter had bruises on his head, and Titus had bruises up both legs which is why they wore pants instead of shorts. There wasn't anything I could do to hide the bruises on Peter's head: a paper bag or makeup just were not options:)

I haven't blogged much because I've spent most of my time learning how to coupon. I think I'm addicted to tracking down coupons and then matching them with sales. My best trip was $99 spent & $156 saved. I was so excited:) Daniel's enjoying the savings but has gotten a crazy wife in return. Right now, I'm so excited about my next Publix trip that I can't sleep. I planned it out earlier today; and now, I'm thinking about all my savings. Who knew that couponing could be so much fun? Maybe I should look into a Couponer's Anonymous group:)

My green cleaning is coming along quite well. I haven't bought any chemicals since I first blogged about it. I just made my second batch of laundry detergent and am loving it. I spent a total of $10 (that includes a one time cost of a 5 gallon bucket) and have made 9 gallons with each batch plus have enough for one more batch. I made it the beginning of June, gave away 5 gallons, used 4 gallons myself, and just started using the second batch this week. I was going through a 96 load bottle of detergent every 3 weeks or less (around $8 a bottle). My family will not be going back to store bought laundry detergent.

My next step in going green is getting rid of the processed foods. This will be harder simply because I don't like cooking. It's weird because I love cleaning which is why the green cleaning was easy to do. Cooking has always been a chore for me. I can do it; I just don't enjoy it (unless it's cupcakes). So, clean eating is definitely going to be a challenge. Maybe I can use my grocery savings and pay for a cook. Hmmm...I should check into that:)

Well, hopefully, I can stop thinking about Publix and get some sleep soon:)

2 Years Old!!

I certainly don't know where the last two years have gone and especially the last two weeks. I'm two weeks behind on getting the boys birthday post up. Yes, they made it to two years; and more importantly, I survived two years:) It has definitely been a whirlwind.

We had a small family party for them again this year. Maybe next year, we'll have a big party for all the family and friends. I know everyone at church really wanted a party for them, but I just couldn't spend the money for something they won't remember. But next year, I have a feeling that they're going to know it's their birthday. This year, they were like, "Oh, I see Car decorations. That's kinda cool." They had fun and enjoyed all the attention from Nana, Grandma, Pa, Aunt Lee-Ann, Uncle Stephen and Aunt Karissa - side note: since I'm southern, it's pronounced ant;)

I just can't believe that it's already been two years. My babies look like boys!! They want to be independent and do things without my help. It's sad:( However, if they weren't trying to be independent, I'd be worried about their development. It's a catch-22.

Peter is still my little one. He's just barely 26 pounds and is a few inches shorter than Titus. Last week, he started jabbering like I've never heard him jabber. Some of it is even turning to sentences. His favorite sentences begin with "I don't want to..." He now has a favorite stuffed animal called "Bug." His ladybug does everything at the house with him. If I'd let him, he'd carry it everywhere too. A couple of weeks ago, I threw Bug in the washer; and its leg got caught and ripped it open. I had to perform emergency surgery on it before nap time. Even though he didn't see the tragedy, Peter knew something was wrong. When I gave him Bug at nap time, he grabbed it with a sigh of relief and looked relieved that Bug was there. His favorite book is "The Grouchy Ladybug" because Bug is on the front cover. (Bug was sold at Kohls along with the book; so, it is the ladybug from the book.) I certainly hope nothing happens to Bug because I don't know what we'll do. I was frantic when I realized it was damaged in the washer and that was an easy fix.

Bug post surgery:(

Titus...well...I don't know where to begin with him. He's over 30 pounds now and towers over Peter. No one thinks that he's the same age as Peter. (And yes, people do argue with me about it.) More of his jabbering has become understandable words. We're working on using words first instead of "Ahhhh." He doesn't have a favorite stuffed animal, but he does have his blanket. He must have his blanket to sleep, and he must have the tag of the blanket in his mouth or under his nose. I'm not sure why, but he started that about two months ago. Also, he can now count to five; and if I've really got his attention, he'll count to ten. Peter thinks counting to three is good enough right now. Titus can also say a few of his ABC's. My problem is getting them both to sit down long enough to listen; but fortunately, some of their toys have counting and ABC songs. Since Titus loves to sing, he likes to try to sing along. He's so cute:)

Both boys absolutely love music. They go over to the piano and say, "Pease?" They "play" and "sing" with great enthusiasm. I'm sure soon I'll be teaching them all about the piano and music. I need to change the batteries in their keyboards though. It's easier on the ears for them to play the keyboard instead of the piano.

Their Facebook birthday post

Beautiful Poem

Someone posted the link to this poem in a comment for my previous post. I know that many will find this poem beautiful and truthful. Thank you Julie:)

Nobody Knew You

Nobody knew you
” Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn’t have been very far along.”
…existed.

Nobody knew you
” It’s not as though you lost an actual person.”
…were real

Nobody knew you
” Well it probably wasn’t a viable fetus.
It’s all for the best.”
…were perfect.

Nobody knew you
” You can always have another!”
…were unique.

Nobody knew you
” You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!”
…were loved for yourself.

Nobody knew you
…but us.

And we will always remember
…You.

By Jan Cosby

*http://namingthechild.com/archives/nobody-knew-you/

A Heavy Heart

Pregnancy loss is a topic few people think about much less speak of, and it has laid very heavy on my heart lately. July 6th was the one year mark for my first miscarriage, and July 5th was the two month mark for my second miscarriage. So, this has been on my mind a great deal lately.

I often wonder why is miscarriage such a hush-hush topic. Why don't women feel comfortable discussing it? Why do we feel as though we need to hide it and not mourn over our loss? I lost two precious children: one at six weeks and one at eight weeks. Some argue that my baby was just a clump of cells and not yet a "real" human. Others argue that my baby was not a baby until there was a heartbeat. However, I believe that my baby was a fearfully and wonderfully made baby growing in my womb. God just had different plans for him or her; and now, they're enjoying heaven while I must wait to get there.

In broaching the subject of miscarriage, I must first answer the question: "What is a miscarriage?" A miscarriage is often defined as the loss of a baby before twenty weeks (American Pregnancy Association). According to the American Pregnancy Association (APA), 10%-25% of doctor confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage, and most miscarriages occur during the first trimester. Right now, 66% of my pregnancies have ended in miscarriage and have ended during the first trimester.

During these first thirteen weeks, the baby goes from being unrecognizable as a human to having every outward feature that you and I have. What happens during the first trimester?*

Weeks 1-4: These are the fertilization and implantation weeks. Many miscarriages happen during this time because the fertilized egg fails to attach to the uterine wall. If the egg does not attach to the wall, the placenta cannot form, and nutrients cannot pass from you to the baby.

Week 5: Even though the baby is no bigger than the tip of a pen, he's already developing skin, his heart, a primitive circulatory system, and the beginnings of muscles, bones, kidneys, and his reproductive system. He's beginning to look like you and I...a tiny human gaining nourishment from his mother and being fashioned by his Creator.

Week 6: The heart begins to beat this week. While I believe in life at conception, it becomes more real to you once you see the heart beating. You can't usually hear the heartbeat over the ultrasound just yet, but you can see the flickering of the heart over the ultrasound. Little nubs that will become arms and legs can be seen protruding from his c-shaped body.

Week 7: The baby is now as big as a pencil eraser. His brain and facial features are also starting to develop. His tiny nostrils begin to take shape this week, and the arm buds that were formed last week begin to look like paddles.

Week 8: Your baby truly is becoming recognizable as a human. Fingers are taking shape while the ears are forming too. You can see the eyes and the formed upper lip and nose. At around 1/2 inch, he begins to straighten his back and have less of a c-shape. Also, you can usually start hearing the heartbeat during your ultrasounds now.

Week 9: With a 50% increase in size, your baby is now 3/4 inch. Can you fathom how quickly this baby is growing? It's so hard for me to comprehend how quickly everything is formed. In 4 weeks, your baby has gone from the size of a tip of a pen to 3/4 inch. How amazing is that!! At this time, bones in the arms start developing as does the bend in the arm for the elbow, and his cute little toes have taken shape.

Week 10: The baby's head is now becoming round instead of alien shaped:) His neck is developing while the eyelids close to protect the developing eyes.

Week 11: Your baby is a whopping 2 inches!! That's over double the size he was at week 9. This week, the external genitalia is formed. While you may not be able to see it for another four weeks or so, your baby is now distinctively male or female.

Week 12: This is usually considered the last week of the first trimester. Your baby has fingernails, and his face has a human profile now. When you look at an ultrasound, you know see a recognizable tiny baby.

*Information gathered from Mayo Clinic.

After the first trimester, chances for miscarriage greatly decrease, but the chance is still there. After twenty weeks, pregnancy loss is no longer considered miscarriage but rather falls into the category of stillbirth. Stillbirth means exactly what you would think it means. Unfortunately, the baby is born but has already passed away.

Losing your baby during pregnancy is a loss. Don't try to brush it under the rug so to speak. Allow yourself time to mourn your loss. You have lost a baby and need to heal, physically and emotionally. Too many women don't allow themselves the time to mourn because they're afraid to. They're afraid people will think they're crazy since they never actually held the baby. However, you need to remember that the baby was apart of you. He was a tiny life growing inside you, and God chose you to be his mother for the short time that he was here.