Wednesday, June 1, 2016

I'm going to be honest...

Normally, I'm an honest person; but there is one area in which I find myself being dishonest. It's not intentional either; it just sort of happens. I don't wake up in the mornings and say, "I'm going to lie to people today." What is this area that makes me a dishonest person?

It's motherhood.

Motherhood is tougher than I ever imagined it would be. I try to hide it, and I tell everyone that I love being a mother and that it couldn't be better. Every morning, I wake up and tell myself that I can't let it show. I can't let everyone know that I feel like I'm drowning. I'm supposed to be the one who has it together.

But I don't!

I don't have it together. I feel like I'm grasping at straws to keep it together until it's bedtime, and every day feels like a race to bedtime.

I read blog posts telling me to seize the day with my kids and to enjoy every precious moment with them because it goes so quickly. And I try...I really do. It lasts for 30 minutes; and then, I become overwhelmed with it all again. Surely, the women who write those posts have maids because there's no way I can keep up with laundry for 6 people, keep everything clean with 6 people, and keep 6 people fed while still blissfully enjoying every single moment.

Then, I read more blog posts telling me to let the dishes sit and to not worry about the cleaning and laundry. My kids are more important. And I try again...but I can't handle it. It's like the nurturing mom part of my brain is broken, and the cleaning part of my brain won't stop. I can't stop. I can't let the laundry sit for more than a day. I can't leave the dishes in the sink; the sink has to be empty before bed. I can't leave the dusting until tomorrow. Then, I feel like a bad mom because I can't just enjoy time with them.

So, I lie to those around me. I smile and say I had a great day when, in reality, I had a day full of inner struggles. I had a day filled with me convincing myself that I can make it. I had a day filled with taking baby steps to less stress. I had a day filled with me telling myself that I'm not a bad mom and that my kids do love me.

A few days ago, Tabitha "folded" the diaper laundry for me. She knew that I needed it folded and wanted to help me. I took a baby step and let it sit on the coffee table without refolding it until after she went to bed. I did have to refold it to get it to fit in the drawer, but I sat down and enjoyed the moment with her. She was so proud of herself, and I was proud of myself for letting go.

Not bad for a 2 year old :)
Each day, I try to take a few more baby steps towards letting go; but it's a slow process for me.

1 comment:

  1. I think many, MANY mamas will relate to this! Sometime, we'll enjoy our kiddos in hind sight. Right now, the days are long but the years are short. We're too tired to enjoy the little moments right now, but once they're bigger, we can look back at this time with fondness for those funny and sweet moments while forgetting about the overwhelming fatigue. And your desire to clean? I'm convinced it's God-given (see Titus 2:5), which is why it feels wrong to ignore the dishes and laundry. The desire to keep up with the housework is a good one. It's just that you have lots of good things pulling for your time, and sometimes, there isn't time for it all. Hang in there! And thanks for sharing your heart. :)