I'm going to be honest...

Normally, I'm an honest person; but there is one area in which I find myself being dishonest. It's not intentional either; it just sort of happens. I don't wake up in the mornings and say, "I'm going to lie to people today." What is this area that makes me a dishonest person?

It's motherhood.

Motherhood is tougher than I ever imagined it would be. I try to hide it, and I tell everyone that I love being a mother and that it couldn't be better. Every morning, I wake up and tell myself that I can't let it show. I can't let everyone know that I feel like I'm drowning. I'm supposed to be the one who has it together.

But I don't!

I don't have it together. I feel like I'm grasping at straws to keep it together until it's bedtime, and every day feels like a race to bedtime.

I read blog posts telling me to seize the day with my kids and to enjoy every precious moment with them because it goes so quickly. And I try...I really do. It lasts for 30 minutes; and then, I become overwhelmed with it all again. Surely, the women who write those posts have maids because there's no way I can keep up with laundry for 6 people, keep everything clean with 6 people, and keep 6 people fed while still blissfully enjoying every single moment.

Then, I read more blog posts telling me to let the dishes sit and to not worry about the cleaning and laundry. My kids are more important. And I try again...but I can't handle it. It's like the nurturing mom part of my brain is broken, and the cleaning part of my brain won't stop. I can't stop. I can't let the laundry sit for more than a day. I can't leave the dishes in the sink; the sink has to be empty before bed. I can't leave the dusting until tomorrow. Then, I feel like a bad mom because I can't just enjoy time with them.

So, I lie to those around me. I smile and say I had a great day when, in reality, I had a day full of inner struggles. I had a day filled with me convincing myself that I can make it. I had a day filled with taking baby steps to less stress. I had a day filled with me telling myself that I'm not a bad mom and that my kids do love me.

A few days ago, Tabitha "folded" the diaper laundry for me. She knew that I needed it folded and wanted to help me. I took a baby step and let it sit on the coffee table without refolding it until after she went to bed. I did have to refold it to get it to fit in the drawer, but I sat down and enjoyed the moment with her. She was so proud of herself, and I was proud of myself for letting go.

Not bad for a 2 year old :)

Each day, I try to take a few more baby steps towards letting go; but it's a slow process for me.