A year ago, my life changed once again. I said goodbye to another baby before even holding him or her. Since then, I have questioned why this happened to me twice. Why did I have to lose two children? Why can I not seem to forget or at least be able to push it aside? And, over this past year, I’ve learned the answer to those questions and so much more.
Why did I have to lose two children? While pondering this question, I felt quite alone in my feelings. What I failed to realize is that many women were struggling with this question just as I was. I really wasn’t alone. The more I read and the more I began to seek out those who had miscarried, I began to realize that it wasn’t just me. I’m not the only one who has lost a child to miscarriage, and I began to take comfort in knowing that I wasn’t singled out. God didn’t look at me and decide that I was the only one that would ever go through this nightmare. I believe that God allowed this to happen in my life so that I would be able to meet women who have been there or are going through a miscarriage. I have learned much about miscarriage over the past two years and, now, try to help those who are going through this. I don’t believe God caused it, but I do believe He allowed it into my life so that I could better understand what many women go through.
Why can I not seem to forget or at least be able to push it aside? This one simple reason answers that question: I lost a child. I didn’t lose a glob of cells that formed in a random fashion. I lost a beautiful, developing child. As soon as I had a positive pregnancy test, I loved both of those children as much as I love Peter, Titus, and now Tabitha who will be here in September. And, even though Tabitha is on the way, I don’t love them any less. Tabitha will never take their places in my heart; she has her own special place in my heart.
I’ve been asked how I remember the dates of the losses. I can’t really tell you how; I just do. Those who’ve lost a spouse never forget the date. Those who’ve lost a parent never forget the date. Those who’ve lost children outside the womb never forget the date. Those who’ve lost close friends never forget the date. Do they try to remember the date? No, it’s something that stays with them. My grandpa has been gone for almost twenty-nine years, and my dad doesn’t have to think before giving you the date of his passing (I was only two; so I can’t remember). On July 6, 2011, and May 5, 2012, I lost children.
I’ve also been asked, “Shouldn’t it be easier now that you’re pregnant with Tabitha?” Why? Like I stated earlier, she has her own place in my heart. All five of my children have a place in my heart, and I love each of them.
The words of King David still bring me comfort as I remember my children that are in Heaven. In II Samuel 12:23b, he’s speaking of his baby son that just passed and states, “I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." I will see them one day. One day, I will hug them. But until then, God gives me comfort in knowing that they’re with him. As I stated in an earlier post (http://twinchaosandfun.blogspot.com/2011/07/goodness-of-lord.html), they’re experiencing something that I can read about; and they never had to experience the heartaches of this world.
Stephanie - I've said many times, as much as the reason for all of us meeting sucks, I'm so lucky to have you all in my life. Hugs to you, Mama!
ReplyDeleteHugs to you!!
DeleteHugs friend. I am praying for you and your family! ;)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!! I miss you!!
DeleteStephanie, thank you so much for this. I also lost two children by miscarriage, and sometimes people act like it was "just" a miscarriage, you shouldn't take it so hard, or remember the dates. But I always felt like it was still a death, I loved those babies already, I wanted those babies, and I grieved for those babies. But I felt that my grief had to be silent, people expected me to just move on I could just get pregnant again. I remember the day of their passing, and I remember their due dates. I really loved reading this, it made me feel like there was someone else out there that knows what I went through. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome!! You are definitely not alone. Unfortunately, many women have experienced miscarriage and now feel alone in their grief. That's why I want to talk about it. We're in this together.
DeleteHi Stephanie! I'm Heather and I was just wondering if you could answer a question about your blog! My email is Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com :-)
ReplyDelete