I'm going to be honest...

Normally, I'm an honest person; but there is one area in which I find myself being dishonest. It's not intentional either; it just sort of happens. I don't wake up in the mornings and say, "I'm going to lie to people today." What is this area that makes me a dishonest person?

It's motherhood.

Motherhood is tougher than I ever imagined it would be. I try to hide it, and I tell everyone that I love being a mother and that it couldn't be better. Every morning, I wake up and tell myself that I can't let it show. I can't let everyone know that I feel like I'm drowning. I'm supposed to be the one who has it together.

But I don't!

I don't have it together. I feel like I'm grasping at straws to keep it together until it's bedtime, and every day feels like a race to bedtime.

I read blog posts telling me to seize the day with my kids and to enjoy every precious moment with them because it goes so quickly. And I try...I really do. It lasts for 30 minutes; and then, I become overwhelmed with it all again. Surely, the women who write those posts have maids because there's no way I can keep up with laundry for 6 people, keep everything clean with 6 people, and keep 6 people fed while still blissfully enjoying every single moment.

Then, I read more blog posts telling me to let the dishes sit and to not worry about the cleaning and laundry. My kids are more important. And I try again...but I can't handle it. It's like the nurturing mom part of my brain is broken, and the cleaning part of my brain won't stop. I can't stop. I can't let the laundry sit for more than a day. I can't leave the dishes in the sink; the sink has to be empty before bed. I can't leave the dusting until tomorrow. Then, I feel like a bad mom because I can't just enjoy time with them.

So, I lie to those around me. I smile and say I had a great day when, in reality, I had a day full of inner struggles. I had a day filled with me convincing myself that I can make it. I had a day filled with taking baby steps to less stress. I had a day filled with me telling myself that I'm not a bad mom and that my kids do love me.

A few days ago, Tabitha "folded" the diaper laundry for me. She knew that I needed it folded and wanted to help me. I took a baby step and let it sit on the coffee table without refolding it until after she went to bed. I did have to refold it to get it to fit in the drawer, but I sat down and enjoyed the moment with her. She was so proud of herself, and I was proud of myself for letting go.

Not bad for a 2 year old :)

Each day, I try to take a few more baby steps towards letting go; but it's a slow process for me.

My addiction!!

So, I’ve developed an addiction. It’s an addiction that has support groups, but these support groups only enable the addict. What kind of addiction am I talking about? CLOTH DIAPERS!! If you’ve talked to me recently, you’ve realized that I am a full fledged cloth diaper addict. I’ve decided to dedicate several posts to my addiction.

In my defense, mine is considered a very small stash. :)

These diapers are not the cloth diapers of my parents and grandparents days. No pins or rubber pants are necessary. In fact, these diapers are for making fashion statements while acting as a diaper. They are absolutely adorable!!

My favorite type of cloth diaper is a pocket diaper. It has a pocket that allows you to place an insert inside the waterproof diaper shell. This insert soaks in the urine while the waterproof shell keeps it from leaking out. Once soiled, you throw it all in the diaper bin and wash. I usually wash diapers every 2 to 3 days.

This is a Bumgenius Picadilly Circus 4.0.

This diaper is really easy to use and is very similar to a sposie (cloth diaper lingo for a disposable diaper). So far, anyone who has changed Tabitha’s diaper has never had any problems with this kind of diaper: Daddy, Gammy, Aunt Karissa, and nursery workers.

Top: Alva, Bumgenius Carroll 4.0, Moraki AI2 Fluffles
Bottom: Bumgenius Zinnia 3.0, Sunbaby, Bumgenius Picadilly Circus 4.0

Cloth diapering is a big way to save money, and I haven't spent much money at all in buying diapers. I look for sales, but I have also been blessed with great friends. Several friends have given us great diapers whether they were hand-me-downs or brand new. Each and every diaper was greatly appreciated and has been put to good use.

It's been a while!

So, life has been crazy; and I haven’t blogged in FOREVER!! Time just kind of slips away. You would not believe everything that has happened since I last updated. Another baby has joined our family. Tabitha Ann was born September 9th; she weighed 8 pounds, 6 ounces and was 20 inches long. Two very proud brothers couldn’t wait to see her and hold her.

In case you’re wondering, yes...that is Peter and Titus. They turned 3!! I’ll be starting them in K4 this year. I can’t believe it’s almost time for me to bring out the homeschool curriculum. I’m not sure that I’m ready for this. My babies are growing up way too fast for me.

Tabitha is 7 months old. At her 6 month appointment, she was 12 pounds, 14 ounces and 25 1/2 inches long. That puts her in the 3rd %tile for weight and 30th %tile for height. She may be small, but she doesn’t act it. She’s ready to start moving and will be crawling any day now. She desperately wants to follow her brothers.

I'll be catching up soon. I've had a lot going on since I last posted, and I'm excited to share everything with you all!! :)

A Year Ago...

A year ago, my life changed once again. I said goodbye to another baby before even holding him or her. Since then, I have questioned why this happened to me twice. Why did I have to lose two children? Why can I not seem to forget or at least be able to push it aside? And, over this past year, I’ve learned the answer to those questions and so much more.

Why did I have to lose two children? While pondering this question, I felt quite alone in my feelings. What I failed to realize is that many women were struggling with this question just as I was. I really wasn’t alone. The more I read and the more I began to seek out those who had miscarried, I began to realize that it wasn’t just me. I’m not the only one who has lost a child to miscarriage, and I began to take comfort in knowing that I wasn’t singled out. God didn’t look at me and decide that I was the only one that would ever go through this nightmare. I believe that God allowed this to happen in my life so that I would be able to meet women who have been there or are going through a miscarriage. I have learned much about miscarriage over the past two years and, now, try to help those who are going through this. I don’t believe God caused it, but I do believe He allowed it into my life so that I could better understand what many women go through.

Why can I not seem to forget or at least be able to push it aside? This one simple reason answers that question: I lost a child. I didn’t lose a glob of cells that formed in a random fashion. I lost a beautiful, developing child. As soon as I had a positive pregnancy test, I loved both of those children as much as I love Peter, Titus, and now Tabitha who will be here in September. And, even though Tabitha is on the way, I don’t love them any less. Tabitha will never take their places in my heart; she has her own special place in my heart.

I’ve been asked how I remember the dates of the losses. I can’t really tell you how; I just do. Those who’ve lost a spouse never forget the date. Those who’ve lost a parent never forget the date. Those who’ve lost children outside the womb never forget the date. Those who’ve lost close friends never forget the date. Do they try to remember the date? No, it’s something that stays with them. My grandpa has been gone for almost twenty-nine years, and my dad doesn’t have to think before giving you the date of his passing (I was only two; so I can’t remember). On July 6, 2011, and May 5, 2012, I lost children.

I’ve also been asked, “Shouldn’t it be easier now that you’re pregnant with Tabitha?” Why? Like I stated earlier, she has her own place in my heart. All five of my children have a place in my heart, and I love each of them.

The words of King David still bring me comfort as I remember my children that are in Heaven. In II Samuel 12:23b, he’s speaking of his baby son that just passed and states, “I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." I will see them one day. One day, I will hug them. But until then, God gives me comfort in knowing that they’re with him. As I stated in an earlier post (http://twinchaosandfun.blogspot.com/2011/07/goodness-of-lord.html), they’re experiencing something that I can read about; and they never had to experience the heartaches of this world.

I Need Go Doctor

Yes, I know my title isn't grammatically correct. However, that's what Peter has been telling me since Tuesday afternoon. He woke up from his nap on Tuesday with a snotty nose, and I asked him if he was sick. He looked at me, cocked his head, and said, "Yes, I need go doctor." Now, every time I give him his cold medicine or check his temperature, he tells me that he needs to go to the doctor. Last night, Karissa stayed at the house with him during church, and he kept telling her that he needed to go to the doctor. This morning, I asked him if he was feeling better, and he told me that he needed to go to the doctor. Hopefully, he'll understand soon that a cold does not warrant a doctor's visit.

Somehow, Peter is sick, but Titus is not. I'm not sure how that happened, but Titus is very upset that he's not sick too. He wants to take cold medicine, have his nose suctioned, and have his temperature checked too. He keeps saying, "My turn, Mama, my turn." Whose kid wants cold medicine? My kid...that's who. :)

So, I have a hypochondriac son who needs to go to the doctor for a cold and a cold medicine addict son. Oh, the joys of motherhood!!

Where Have My Babies Gone?

As I checked on the boys before I went to bed, I looked in their cribs and couldn't find my babies. I have no idea where they have gone. In their beds, I saw two boys trying to take the place of my babies. It just hit me that I no longer have babies. Their once chubby faces and short legs have now thinned out and are long. Instead of cute Mommy and Daddy t-shirts, they want to wear Cars and Jake t-shirts. Instead of wanting me to do everything, they want to try it all by themselves. Instead of playing with Mommy, they'd rather run with the big kids. When did these boys take the place of my babies? Where are my babies? I don't think I'm ready for them to grow up so fast.

This is from August. They look even less like toddlers now.

Miscellaneous Ramblings

A friend of mine took pictures of the boys. She actually managed to get a few good shots of them. Sitting or standing still is just not their forte:)

Poor Peter had bruises on his head, and Titus had bruises up both legs which is why they wore pants instead of shorts. There wasn't anything I could do to hide the bruises on Peter's head: a paper bag or makeup just were not options:)

I haven't blogged much because I've spent most of my time learning how to coupon. I think I'm addicted to tracking down coupons and then matching them with sales. My best trip was $99 spent & $156 saved. I was so excited:) Daniel's enjoying the savings but has gotten a crazy wife in return. Right now, I'm so excited about my next Publix trip that I can't sleep. I planned it out earlier today; and now, I'm thinking about all my savings. Who knew that couponing could be so much fun? Maybe I should look into a Couponer's Anonymous group:)

My green cleaning is coming along quite well. I haven't bought any chemicals since I first blogged about it. I just made my second batch of laundry detergent and am loving it. I spent a total of $10 (that includes a one time cost of a 5 gallon bucket) and have made 9 gallons with each batch plus have enough for one more batch. I made it the beginning of June, gave away 5 gallons, used 4 gallons myself, and just started using the second batch this week. I was going through a 96 load bottle of detergent every 3 weeks or less (around $8 a bottle). My family will not be going back to store bought laundry detergent.

My next step in going green is getting rid of the processed foods. This will be harder simply because I don't like cooking. It's weird because I love cleaning which is why the green cleaning was easy to do. Cooking has always been a chore for me. I can do it; I just don't enjoy it (unless it's cupcakes). So, clean eating is definitely going to be a challenge. Maybe I can use my grocery savings and pay for a cook. Hmmm...I should check into that:)

Well, hopefully, I can stop thinking about Publix and get some sleep soon:)