2 Years Old!!

I certainly don't know where the last two years have gone and especially the last two weeks. I'm two weeks behind on getting the boys birthday post up. Yes, they made it to two years; and more importantly, I survived two years:) It has definitely been a whirlwind.

We had a small family party for them again this year. Maybe next year, we'll have a big party for all the family and friends. I know everyone at church really wanted a party for them, but I just couldn't spend the money for something they won't remember. But next year, I have a feeling that they're going to know it's their birthday. This year, they were like, "Oh, I see Car decorations. That's kinda cool." They had fun and enjoyed all the attention from Nana, Grandma, Pa, Aunt Lee-Ann, Uncle Stephen and Aunt Karissa - side note: since I'm southern, it's pronounced ant;)

I just can't believe that it's already been two years. My babies look like boys!! They want to be independent and do things without my help. It's sad:( However, if they weren't trying to be independent, I'd be worried about their development. It's a catch-22.

Peter is still my little one. He's just barely 26 pounds and is a few inches shorter than Titus. Last week, he started jabbering like I've never heard him jabber. Some of it is even turning to sentences. His favorite sentences begin with "I don't want to..." He now has a favorite stuffed animal called "Bug." His ladybug does everything at the house with him. If I'd let him, he'd carry it everywhere too. A couple of weeks ago, I threw Bug in the washer; and its leg got caught and ripped it open. I had to perform emergency surgery on it before nap time. Even though he didn't see the tragedy, Peter knew something was wrong. When I gave him Bug at nap time, he grabbed it with a sigh of relief and looked relieved that Bug was there. His favorite book is "The Grouchy Ladybug" because Bug is on the front cover. (Bug was sold at Kohls along with the book; so, it is the ladybug from the book.) I certainly hope nothing happens to Bug because I don't know what we'll do. I was frantic when I realized it was damaged in the washer and that was an easy fix.

Bug post surgery:(

Titus...well...I don't know where to begin with him. He's over 30 pounds now and towers over Peter. No one thinks that he's the same age as Peter. (And yes, people do argue with me about it.) More of his jabbering has become understandable words. We're working on using words first instead of "Ahhhh." He doesn't have a favorite stuffed animal, but he does have his blanket. He must have his blanket to sleep, and he must have the tag of the blanket in his mouth or under his nose. I'm not sure why, but he started that about two months ago. Also, he can now count to five; and if I've really got his attention, he'll count to ten. Peter thinks counting to three is good enough right now. Titus can also say a few of his ABC's. My problem is getting them both to sit down long enough to listen; but fortunately, some of their toys have counting and ABC songs. Since Titus loves to sing, he likes to try to sing along. He's so cute:)

Both boys absolutely love music. They go over to the piano and say, "Pease?" They "play" and "sing" with great enthusiasm. I'm sure soon I'll be teaching them all about the piano and music. I need to change the batteries in their keyboards though. It's easier on the ears for them to play the keyboard instead of the piano.

Their Facebook birthday post

Beautiful Poem

Someone posted the link to this poem in a comment for my previous post. I know that many will find this poem beautiful and truthful. Thank you Julie:)

Nobody Knew You

Nobody knew you
” Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn’t have been very far along.”
…existed.

Nobody knew you
” It’s not as though you lost an actual person.”
…were real

Nobody knew you
” Well it probably wasn’t a viable fetus.
It’s all for the best.”
…were perfect.

Nobody knew you
” You can always have another!”
…were unique.

Nobody knew you
” You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!”
…were loved for yourself.

Nobody knew you
…but us.

And we will always remember
…You.

By Jan Cosby

*http://namingthechild.com/archives/nobody-knew-you/

A Heavy Heart

Pregnancy loss is a topic few people think about much less speak of, and it has laid very heavy on my heart lately. July 6th was the one year mark for my first miscarriage, and July 5th was the two month mark for my second miscarriage. So, this has been on my mind a great deal lately.

I often wonder why is miscarriage such a hush-hush topic. Why don't women feel comfortable discussing it? Why do we feel as though we need to hide it and not mourn over our loss? I lost two precious children: one at six weeks and one at eight weeks. Some argue that my baby was just a clump of cells and not yet a "real" human. Others argue that my baby was not a baby until there was a heartbeat. However, I believe that my baby was a fearfully and wonderfully made baby growing in my womb. God just had different plans for him or her; and now, they're enjoying heaven while I must wait to get there.

In broaching the subject of miscarriage, I must first answer the question: "What is a miscarriage?" A miscarriage is often defined as the loss of a baby before twenty weeks (American Pregnancy Association). According to the American Pregnancy Association (APA), 10%-25% of doctor confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage, and most miscarriages occur during the first trimester. Right now, 66% of my pregnancies have ended in miscarriage and have ended during the first trimester.

During these first thirteen weeks, the baby goes from being unrecognizable as a human to having every outward feature that you and I have. What happens during the first trimester?*

Weeks 1-4: These are the fertilization and implantation weeks. Many miscarriages happen during this time because the fertilized egg fails to attach to the uterine wall. If the egg does not attach to the wall, the placenta cannot form, and nutrients cannot pass from you to the baby.

Week 5: Even though the baby is no bigger than the tip of a pen, he's already developing skin, his heart, a primitive circulatory system, and the beginnings of muscles, bones, kidneys, and his reproductive system. He's beginning to look like you and I...a tiny human gaining nourishment from his mother and being fashioned by his Creator.

Week 6: The heart begins to beat this week. While I believe in life at conception, it becomes more real to you once you see the heart beating. You can't usually hear the heartbeat over the ultrasound just yet, but you can see the flickering of the heart over the ultrasound. Little nubs that will become arms and legs can be seen protruding from his c-shaped body.

Week 7: The baby is now as big as a pencil eraser. His brain and facial features are also starting to develop. His tiny nostrils begin to take shape this week, and the arm buds that were formed last week begin to look like paddles.

Week 8: Your baby truly is becoming recognizable as a human. Fingers are taking shape while the ears are forming too. You can see the eyes and the formed upper lip and nose. At around 1/2 inch, he begins to straighten his back and have less of a c-shape. Also, you can usually start hearing the heartbeat during your ultrasounds now.

Week 9: With a 50% increase in size, your baby is now 3/4 inch. Can you fathom how quickly this baby is growing? It's so hard for me to comprehend how quickly everything is formed. In 4 weeks, your baby has gone from the size of a tip of a pen to 3/4 inch. How amazing is that!! At this time, bones in the arms start developing as does the bend in the arm for the elbow, and his cute little toes have taken shape.

Week 10: The baby's head is now becoming round instead of alien shaped:) His neck is developing while the eyelids close to protect the developing eyes.

Week 11: Your baby is a whopping 2 inches!! That's over double the size he was at week 9. This week, the external genitalia is formed. While you may not be able to see it for another four weeks or so, your baby is now distinctively male or female.

Week 12: This is usually considered the last week of the first trimester. Your baby has fingernails, and his face has a human profile now. When you look at an ultrasound, you know see a recognizable tiny baby.

*Information gathered from Mayo Clinic.

After the first trimester, chances for miscarriage greatly decrease, but the chance is still there. After twenty weeks, pregnancy loss is no longer considered miscarriage but rather falls into the category of stillbirth. Stillbirth means exactly what you would think it means. Unfortunately, the baby is born but has already passed away.

Losing your baby during pregnancy is a loss. Don't try to brush it under the rug so to speak. Allow yourself time to mourn your loss. You have lost a baby and need to heal, physically and emotionally. Too many women don't allow themselves the time to mourn because they're afraid to. They're afraid people will think they're crazy since they never actually held the baby. However, you need to remember that the baby was apart of you. He was a tiny life growing inside you, and God chose you to be his mother for the short time that he was here.

5 Wonderful Years

*I'm really a week behind on this post, but I wanted to make sure that it was just right before posting.

On Saturday, June 23, Daniel and I celebrated five years of wedded bliss. As I look back, the two people that stood at the altar before God and witnesses in 2007 are so much different than the two people who stand before you today. Five years ago, I could not have imagined the life that we now have. Fortunately, God is much better at molding my future than my imagination is. Each new year brings us closer to God and to each other.

Our first year of marriage was definitely an eye opener. Up until marriage, the only man I had lived with was my dad; and dad isn't your typical man. He can clean better than most women:) So, I had to learn quickly that he was not dad and that he did not pick up after himself. I learned that nagging does not make him pick up his clothes. A few months after we married, I lost my job; and we lost a good chunk of our income. Finances were tight, but it was amazing to watch God provide for us. He provided all our needs and most of our wants.

Our second year of marriage marked the start of Daniel's last year of college. During this time, God saw fit for me to return to my old job just as Daniel had to quit his job. Since he had to do his internship during the Spring of 2009, he had to quit his full time job and begin a part time job. The church was able to hire him as maintenance while he completed his pastoral internship. I watched Daniel grow in the Lord, and he was truly happy being in the ministry.

Our third year of marriage started off with Daniel graduating and going on staff at the church. We didn't expect much excitement that year, but that quickly changed. In December, we found out that we were expecting our first child. We were both excited and ready to be parents. A week or so after the positive pregnancy test, our ultrasound revealed that we would not be having one child, but two! And the adventure began! At 28 weeks, on May 26, my doctor told me that I needed to be on bedrest. So, once again, we would be without my pay check. This also placed a lot of responsibility on Daniel's shoulders. Not only did he have to work his job, but he also had to take care of things at home. He cooked, cleaned, and took care of me.

We started our fourth year of marriage; and almost exactly a month later, we welcomed into this world Peter and Titus. Shortly after their arrival, things drastically changed at church. The only thing that kept us going was our boys. Daniel had to take a second job at Rivertown Ford in order to pay bills. God has blessed Daniel with an uncanny ability to retain car facts, and he has become a wonderful, honest car salesman. Just a month before our fourth anniversary, we found out that we would be expecting our third child. I was pleasantly surprised and was ready for the challenge of three under two.

We celebrated our fourth year of marriage and began our fifth year of marriage with much anticipation for the new baby. However, our world stopped on July 6. God saw fit to take our precious baby home to be with Him. Our hearts broke as we learned the news, but God was faithful and brought us through that hard time. Unfortunately, this year of marriage was marked with several losses of family and close friends. Daniel lost his grandpa, and we lost two very dear friends this past year. Our bright spot was in March when we found out that once again we were expecting. We were a little scared and waited to tell the church till we thought it was safe. However, we learned a very important lesson that life is fragile even when you think it's safe. On May 5, we said good bye to our fourth child. We thought that this would be our "take home baby," but God remained faithful to us as we mourned another loss. God's love, grace and mercy carried us through this year of marriage.

As we end our fifth year of marriage and begin our sixth year of marriage, our hearts are still heavy, but we know that God is in control. He has great things planned for the Slavy family, and we will remain faithful to Him. He promises us in Psalm 37:3-5: "Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass." We will trust in Him, we will delight in Him, and we will commit our way unto Him.

Changing the Norm

I've started on a quest to change the norm in my house. Unfortunately, at 6 months old, Titus contracted RSV and was hospitalized for 4 days in January of 2011. Ever since then, he has a reoccurring cough that will not completely go away. A couple of weeks ago, I began looking at what was under my kitchen sink: Scrub Free with bleach, Spic & Span, Lysol Kitchen cleaner, and several other harsh chemicals. I've always been one who has to smell the bleach in order to believe it's truly clean. As I was pondering on my cleaning supplies, I heard Titus coughing again. At that moment, it struck me that maybe, just maybe, the chemicals in our house could be aggravating his respiratory system.

Since then, I have begun my journey to chemical free living. I've already made my own stain remover, anti-itch gel, and vinegar/baking soda cleaners. I'm waiting on my essential oils to come from Amazon.com to complete my laundry detergent, my homemade deodorant, shampoo, and conditioner. I plan to be completely chemical free in a month. I bought a natural baby wash because I didn't like any of the recipes that I found online and am going to try to find a natural wash for Dan and I (hopefully, something that doesn't break the bank).

If my grandparents and great-grandparents were able to keep clean houses and families without the chemicals, I should be able to also. It just takes a little extra time to make everything. Of course, the added blessing is that making my own cleaners saves me money. That means...a new pair of shoes:)

On another note...I finally pulled out the boys pool and cleaned it up. They had so much fun playing in the water. I wish I had a big pool for them; but alas, we have no back yard for it. In fact, the small kiddie pool was on the sidewalk leading up to the front stoop. It was loads of fun nonetheless:)

Life

To be honest, I really haven't felt much like writing which is why I haven't posted in a month. Do you ever just have some of those days that you feel like you're walking around in a haze? Well, that's been me lately. I guess it's just girly hormones taking over. The past month has been full of milestones, but I'm not sure that I'm ready for all of them.

Milestone #1 - The one month mark of my 2nd miscarriage: While I know God is in control through everything, an empty womb still hurts. This week, I should be 14 weeks, and I'm nearing the 1 year anniversary of my 1st miscarriage. I've given God control and am trying not to take it back. However, relinquishing control is not easy for me, just ask my husband! God has a wonderful plan for Daniel and me, and I just have to let Him set it in motion and keep it in motion.

Milestone #2 - Turning 30: I'm now half way to 60:( I remember thinking that at 30 I would be a sophisticated adult. However, I still don't feel like an adult, and I certainly don't feel sophisticated except on Sunday. On Sunday, I wear my sophisticated high heels even though it's hard to carry the boys while wearing them. It's my one "me" thing during the week:) My family and friends did throw my a wonderful surprise party. It made my day to know that they care:) And so far, 30 hasn't been too bad. I've got a few aches and pains, but I think those are due to carrying 2 almost 30 pound toddlers.

Milestone #3 - The boys speaking in complete sentences: In the last week, they have both started speaking in sentences. Now, I'm the only one that really understands what they're saying, but they're getting it. Their developing speech is exciting, but it is also a reminder that they're growing up. They are now insistent on doing things all by themselves, and I have to let them even though I really want to keep doing it for them. Who knew that I'd be sad over their independence?!?! Titus has even started climbing out of his crib; so, I guess we'll be switching to twin beds soon. On a side note...do you realize how expensive bedding is for kids? And I don't want cartoon bedding, just something that definitely looks like it should be in a boy's room.

Milestone #4 - 5 years of marriage: June 23 will be 5 years of marriage, and it just doesn't feel like it's been that long. We're starting the kindergarten year of marriage:) He truly has provided so much love and security over the past 5 years, and I can't imagine sharing my life with anyone else. He's my rock!! And I think he's almost fully Southern. I've just got to get him to start drinking sweet tea.

My silly boys:)

Trusting the Lord

When I was pregnant with the boys (my first pregnancy), I went into every appointment prepared to hear bad news. My mom had four miscarriages and two successfull pregnancies, and my grandma had seven miscarriages (that are in her medical records, maybe more) and one successful pregnancy. So, I was surprised that I not only had a successful first pregnancy, but it was a multiples pregnancy. I thought, "Praise the Lord! I don't have my mom's and grandma's problems." I delivered the boys at thirty-five weeks in July 2010 and have two handsome twenty-one month old boys.

I got pregnant May of 2011 and was a little overwhelmed because I would have three under two. But I was definitely up for the challenge not matter how daunting it looked. Since my last pregnancy was problem free, I really had no worries that this pregnancy would be worry free. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I began having complications on July 6, 2011; and the baby was gone shortly thereafter.

It took us nine months to get pregnant again which is the longest it has ever taken us to get pregnant. Again, I was a little overwhelmed because I would have three under three, but I was still up for it. I couldn't wait. I heard the heartbeat during my first ultrasound which never happens for me. I was overjoyed and definitely optimistic for a problem free pregnancy. Unfortunately, I began having complications again on Saturday around six pm. I knew that it was a miscarriage but tried to stay optimistic. I knew the baby was gone the next morning. This morning, I went in for an ultrasound, and there was nothing on the screen. I've never felt that disheartened. A blank screen...and a sympathetic look from Kristy our ultrasound tech...even though she couldn't tell me, I knew and went downstairs to make an appointment with my doctor.

I went this afternoon to see my OB. He told me that it's nothing to be worried about yet and told me that 35% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. So, I'm still well within the average. I got my rhogam shot and card which completed everything for this pregnancy except for paying the final bills.

It's been a long day...and one I hope to never repeat. I'm resting in the comfort of my God and praying for another opportunity to have a new baby in the family. God's Word holds true even through the loss of my child. Romans 8:28-29 states, "And we know that all things work together for good, to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He did foreknow, He also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren." I can rest assured that things happen for my good not only because I love Him, not only because I'm called to do His will, but also, and most importantly, because I am being conformed or shaped into the image of His Son. Because of these hard times in my life, God's shaping me to look more like His dear Son, my Savior. Yes, God could stop bad things from happening in my life, but I would miss out on the blessing of becoming more like my Savior. Oh how I dread becoming stagnant and never becoming more like my Savior!

Slavy baby #3 - we'll meet in Heaven!!